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Thursday, November 03, 2005
Thanks for reminding me Atomic :) It’s not my intention to post once a month, but life it still not balanced for me at the moment, and my stress levels are going through the roof, which is probably why it’s falling down :)
But hey, I try to keep on smiling.
I got this by e-mail from a dear girlfriend in New York, made me have a chuckle…
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, The following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary.) Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen."
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine’, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
I know, I know, it’s been a bit quiet on the Opus front lately, but my life is not quite as calm as I would like it to be right now.
Still, stories like this bring a smile to my face…
An Oregon woman whose doctor convinced her that he could cure her lower back pain by having sex with her is suing him and his medical clinic for $4 million, according to legal documents obtained on Monday.
The doctor, Randall Smith, who was 50 at the time, was stripped of his license and sent to jail for 60 days last year for charging the state's Oregon Health Plan $5,000 for his 45-minute "treatments" involving the woman.
"Dr. Smith's medical treatment included intercourse in which he told plaintiff was needed to help alleviate plaintiff's lower back and lower extremity pain," the former patient said in the lawsuit.
The lawsuit, which charges battery, negligence and intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress, was filed on Friday in Multnomah County court.
"We never comment on lawsuits," said a spokesman for the Adventist Medical Group clinic in Gresham, Oregon where Smith worked. Smith could not be located for comment.
Though he pleaded guilty to submitting false health care claims, a felony, Smith maintained the sex with the 47-year-old woman was consensual.
My stats are full of referrals for the search Jessica Rabbit, and the search throws up this page on my blog. Now granted it’s a rather sexy pic but she’s not real, you can’t shag her, and let’s face it she’s a ginger, not that I’ve anything against gingers - literally or otherwise - but apparently gingers are not the preferred choice. Plus by the looks of it she’s not in to gardening…
Recently I have been following Deanne’s alphabet sex over at the d spot, so far she’s up to D.
When she got to B I was interested to see what C would be and I left a comment requesting that she go for the obvious for C, because too few guys get it right, yes you know what I’m talking about.
Well Deanne very kindly pointed me in the direction of Hof’s guide to cunnilingus post, and I can highly recommend that all cunnilingus lovers whether male or female read Hof’s guide.
As I noted in a previous post the clitoris has eighteen parts all of which play a role in the production of pleasure, generally speaking I would say guys are only aware of four parts, and I’m being kind.
Also, the clitoral glans (the head) has approximately eight thousand nerve endings, twice as many as the head of the penis and more than any other part of the human body. Even more reason to be gentle and take your time and work slowly toward that ever so sensitive, sweet spot.
I don’t envy guys, I mean they don’t understand women; we’re just too complex, so how are they supposed to master the clitoris and her eighteen parts. And how are they to learn how to gently woo us in to oral pleasure when faced – literally – with such a sensitive bud.
And it’s not easy for women to give guidance because they don’t want the guy to feel he doesn’t know what he’s doing, but the facts are, when a guy first starts going out with a woman (apart from a few basics), he is not going to know what she likes, how she prefers her oral caress.
Communication is important, especially at the start of a new intimate relationship. Personally I feel comfortable with giving a partner guidance, tactfully verbalising my preferences, and this has always been met with enthusiasm.
However, many women are not comfortable with verbalising their sexual needs, and just as many men feel uncomfortable asking. This is where a wonderful book ‘She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman’ by Ian Kerner proves to be invaluable. Men should read it. Women should read it and then leave it on the bedside table, or if you’re brazen then on the coffee table.
And for those of you who missed this the first time, I leave you with a quote from the book.
“It’s time to ‘think outside her box’. When it comes to the oral caress, every man should make a mantra of Rhett Butler’s infamous line to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind: ‘You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.”